I have Depression

A little while back I saw a post from someone, it was a young woman with her father. She was sharing the reason why she was always so positive and happy, and how the reason was because of her dad, how he was always so uplifting and always positive. This post really affected me. You become the company you surround yourself with.

I have depression, I can remember having it for most of my life. It runs in my family, on both sides. It comes and goes, sometimes only lasting a couple weeks to a month or two, then I wake up and its gone, sometimes not to return again for a year, maybe two. I never know when it is going to come crashing down on me.

Let’s talk about last year a little bit. It was a good year! I had some major highs. Graduated from my program at school, made some amazingly inspiring and supportive new friends, I went to Peru! Moved into my very own place for the first time in years. Talk about highs. I returned to my new home from Peru and shit hit the fan. Many of you that know me do not know this but for 6 straight months I was fucking depressed. I have learned to hide it well. My days consisted of waking up, going to yoga, going home and sleeeping until I had to wake up to go to a job that was not serving me in any way, go home, go back to bed, repeat. This went on for months. My friends had to drag me out of bed and I never wanted to go, I couldn’t wait to get back home to crawl back into my cave.

I am a part of a woman’s circle that meets once a month. One night in circle I had a major breakdown, completely melted in front of all of my sisters. The love and support that I received from these women, some that I’ve never even met before was overwhelming, so much that I couldn’t even handle it and had to walk, no run out. One of my best friends followed me out and found me balling my eyes out in the front yard. She held me and caressed my hair and just held space until I was able to breathe enough to share with her. A few moments later another friend came out, we talked, we laughed, and cried some more. I went home.

The next morning I woke up and something was different, the weight was gone, my depression had left me once again. Looking back I realize that I did not have a “breakdown” I had a “break through”

So why am I sharing this? Aren’t we always suppose to be positive and uplifting when we share publicly. No. I am sharing because I want people to know they are not alone. When you show your truest most raw and vulnerable self, you create space for others to see that they are not alone, we are all in this together, we are all just trying to get through this thing we call life.

I am beyond grateful for my depression, it is a part of me that I have learned to love and embrace. I know that I had to suffer in order to get where I am today. I would not have discovered my newest project without it. When we learn to embrace all parts of ourselves, the light and the dark, we realize the infinite connection that lies within us, the connection that is what we all are and that is love. So learn to take care of and nurture your darkness, because without it how where will the light crack through.