Love Letters to Myself

It’s called my jar of love. I keep it on a shelf and fill it with words of love to myself. Sometimes I just feel like I need to write something down to remind myself to be more loving to myself, sometimes something comes to me in a meditation or a dream, or maybe I heard or read something inspirational that I just want to reflect back on or remember. Every now and then I’ll draw from the jar, it never fails that what I draw is exactly what I needed to hear for the day, sometimes I will sit in meditation with what was written. It has been like a having a long time pen pal with my most loving self, the self that I need to connect to as often as I can. Every once and a while I’ll dump the whole jar out and sit and read every little message I’ve written. No two are the same and they all still hold so much truth for me. Words of gratitude, inspiration, love, wisdom, vulnerability and spirituality.

Who doesn’t like to receive a love letter? Try it out yourself, you might just find you have a new crush. On yourself😉

I have Depression

A little while back I saw a post from someone, it was a young woman with her father. She was sharing the reason why she was always so positive and happy, and how the reason was because of her dad, how he was always so uplifting and always positive. This post really affected me. You become the company you surround yourself with.

I have depression, I can remember having it for most of my life. It runs in my family, on both sides. It comes and goes, sometimes only lasting a couple weeks to a month or two, then I wake up and its gone, sometimes not to return again for a year, maybe two. I never know when it is going to come crashing down on me.

Let’s talk about last year a little bit. It was a good year! I had some major highs. Graduated from my program at school, made some amazingly inspiring and supportive new friends, I went to Peru! Moved into my very own place for the first time in years. Talk about highs. I returned to my new home from Peru and shit hit the fan. Many of you that know me do not know this but for 6 straight months I was fucking depressed. I have learned to hide it well. My days consisted of waking up, going to yoga, going home and sleeeping until I had to wake up to go to a job that was not serving me in any way, go home, go back to bed, repeat. This went on for months. My friends had to drag me out of bed and I never wanted to go, I couldn’t wait to get back home to crawl back into my cave.

I am a part of a woman’s circle that meets once a month. One night in circle I had a major breakdown, completely melted in front of all of my sisters. The love and support that I received from these women, some that I’ve never even met before was overwhelming, so much that I couldn’t even handle it and had to walk, no run out. One of my best friends followed me out and found me balling my eyes out in the front yard. She held me and caressed my hair and just held space until I was able to breathe enough to share with her. A few moments later another friend came out, we talked, we laughed, and cried some more. I went home.

The next morning I woke up and something was different, the weight was gone, my depression had left me once again. Looking back I realize that I did not have a “breakdown” I had a “break through”

So why am I sharing this? Aren’t we always suppose to be positive and uplifting when we share publicly. No. I am sharing because I want people to know they are not alone. When you show your truest most raw and vulnerable self, you create space for others to see that they are not alone, we are all in this together, we are all just trying to get through this thing we call life.

I am beyond grateful for my depression, it is a part of me that I have learned to love and embrace. I know that I had to suffer in order to get where I am today. I would not have discovered my newest project without it. When we learn to embrace all parts of ourselves, the light and the dark, we realize the infinite connection that lies within us, the connection that is what we all are and that is love. So learn to take care of and nurture your darkness, because without it how where will the light crack through.

You’re only human

You’re only human, quit being so damn hard on yourself. The last couple of days I’ve been completely unmotivated and uninspired to write or post. I also set a goal with a friend and we were suppose to check in with each other everyday to help keep each other accountable, and for some reason I  have not followed through on my part.

Yesterday I taught 3 classes in the early morning and wanted to just relax afterwards because I knew I was going out with some friends later in the evening. I figured I would write later. I decided to chill and rest with my puppy. Her name is Kala she’s a 3 and half month old boxer/pit. I’m so freaking in love with her. I scrolled through Netflix and was planning on just watching something light that maybe I would just fall asleep to. Instead, not surprisingly I chose to watch the Tony Robins documentary I am not your Guru. (Must watch!)

Within the first 5 minutes I was balling my eyes out. Instantly feeling a connection to these people in their most vulnerable state, layers being ripped off like a bandaid in order to reveal their healing wounds underneath. I cried and sobbed and cried some more. When people reveal their most authentic selves it helps other see that we are not all that different. We all have our own shit, we all suffer, we all go through pain, and we all have the same needs, we need food, shelter, warmth, connection and we all need love. Watching people breakdown barriers and work through shit shows us we all have hope and seeing the support of community from complete strangers reveals our impalpable connection. So watching this you would think I would be burning to write something. Instead I was utterly emotionall drained.

I’ve been so hard on myself the last two days. Talking down to myself, criticizing myself, tearing myself down because I’m not following through with what I said I would do. We all have to constantly remind ourselves that we are only human. We are perfectly imperfect just the way we are. When we let go of self criticism we are making more room for self love. So maybe you didn’t do your best today, fine, take note, leave it, try again tomorrow, end of story. Part of the human experience is to go through as much as you can so you can learn from it and grow from it. So be kinder, gentler, more forgiving, more loving, more generous and more compassionate to yourself. You are pretty amazing!

Let that shit go!

I recently decided to leave my line of work, in order to finally see what happens when I trust myself and what the universe will provide. I left good money and some security for the unknown and very little money. Although other opportunities came up to continue in the same line of work, something kept tickling my insides, telling me “No not this time, it is time to stop doubting the potential you have to do what your heart desires”

It has not been easy, but it has been the best decision I’ve made in a really long time. From the moment I let go, doors have been swinging open all around me. I am feeling like I am more on path than I have been in awhile.

It has given me time to really figure out what is right for me, how I can serve myself in order to serve others. I have more time to dedicate to what fills my heart and figure out ways to share it with others. I have had more time to connect to friends and my community to learn and grow and share from each other. I feel so blessed that we live in such an awe inspiring, loving, supportive and positive community. There is some really dope ass shit happening in this time and age and I feel grateful to be a part of it.

My vision is becoming more clear to me because I am not, emotionally and physically drained from doing something that was not serving me or inspiring me or helping others in any way. Don’t let yourself be pulled down into numbness by something that is not making you grow in one way or another. Are you happy, truly happy doing what you do? Are you contributing to a better cause in some form or another? Are you uninspired, tired, bored, angry or just faking it because you feel like you have to to pay the bills? Start asking yourself these questions, and then start doing something about it, start to take action to get yourself to a place that will serve your highest self. Yes it will be scary but all the magic starts in the dark and you never know what will happen unless you truly believe in yourself and let that shit go.

Thirsty Thursday

Here we go! Every Thursday I’ll be posting a juice of the day. Today I wanted to do a juice for beautiful glowing skin.

Super simple and delicious

1 Carrot
1 Granny Smith Apple
1 Pineapple round 
A thumb of Ginger
A thumb of Tumeric

Carrots are super high in Vit. A which is an important antioxidant highly helpful for skin cell renewal. They also have Vit. C, carotenoids and potassium. Great for inflammation, reduces redness, helps to even out the skin tone, reduces scaring and hydrating. 

Green Apples help to whiten teeth. Antioxidants, A,B and C. Super high in fiber, which helps the digestive system. Natural detoxifier, keeps the liver and kidneys clean. Super hydrating.

Pineapple natural enzymes that helps to eat away bad gut flora. Vit. C, B6, Riboflavin, Manganese, Folate, Niacin and Copper. Reduces inflammation, antibacterial, helps with acne, evens skin tone, fights aging, reduces sun damage.

Ginger super anti inflammatory and antioxidant. Amino acids for cell building and aids in digestion.

Tumeric super anti inflammatory great for wound healing, evens out skin tone, antiseptic, antibiotic and improves digestion.

Wednesday Wellness

Ok so you’ve made your New Years resolutions. Give up this, give up that, take less of this do more of that. Blah, blah, blah….

How long will it last? Not to say that they don’t ever work out or that people don’t ever follow through, but I believe when something has an end result it means there his room for failure. To set the tone for a more positive year turn your resolutions into positive intentions.

So my top 5 Wellness Intentions for the year are as follows;

1. Practice Mindfulness/ Meditation BREATHE

Staying present and being mindful throughout your day and in every task you do. I say practice, because it is just that, a practice, as long as you are trying, at the end of the day you can say you did the best you could today. Being mindful will make you more aware of where you are in each moment and will make you more aware of where you may need to apply yourself more each day. Practice meditation daily, whenever, wherever.

2. Everything in moderation.

When we put strict restrictions on ourselves there is room for failure, which in turn causes us to fall off the wagon and give into old habits. Diets don’t work, they are not sustaining, instead commit to having a healthier lifestyle. Allow yourself to have the things you love once in awhile without guilt, and don’t use the word cheat when you have these things. Create a healthy relationship with food, focus on nurturing the body and really honoring what you put in your body and treat your body like the temple that it is, rather than starving or punishing yourself. Praise and honor your food. Pay attention to what you eat, and how it makes you feel, listen to your body, slow down and ease into any changes.

3. Exercise

Do something, anything, move your body, do not be stagnant. Walk, run, play, go for a hike, swim, do yoga, dance, play a epic, lift weights, get outside be active in some form at least once a day.

4. Tribe

Surround yourself with positive uplifting people that inspire and challenge you, that honor and support your growth and place. In the world. Listen more and give more.

5. Love yourself

Be kinder to yourself. Less criticism, less judgment. Tell yourself everyday that you are doing the best you can at any given moment. We all make mistakes, recognize them, honor them and move on. At the end of the day take time to reflect and see where there is room for improvement, take note but don’t attach yourself to it. Have gratitude for all of you, every part of you. Have gratitude for all the day has brought you.